I Don’t Quite Know Who I Am

I have a few questions and I don’t know if I can ever get the answers. I don’t know if even want to know the answers.

I can’t talk about these things to the people I know and reddit has almost entirely convinced me that I am a psychopath.

I have been told that my feelings aren’t normal but that didn’t bother me much because people usually like me. They think I have a strong personality.

Recently though, I read some confessions by psychopaths and sociopaths about how they see life.

I was not amused. I could relate to them and it worried me.

• Natural deaths don’t affect me at all. I have never cried when someone close to me died of old age. I never felt anything at all for the ones around me who were crying.
• Murders don’t affect me eather. Until and unless the victim was raped, was a baby or was an animal.
• I feel unnatural compassion towards animals. If a tiger kills a villager and other villagers in turn kill the tiger to protect their fellow men, I’d feel 100% contempt toward these humans and 0% towards the animal. I tend to make excuses or trying to give meaning to certain violent acts by animals on humans.
• I have never cried in public. Never cried at the right time. One would find me thick skinned, stubborn and sometimes even strong and calm. The truth though is that tears do not come out, even if I try, around people. I might cry few weeks later one night. However it’s impossible for me to actually pinpoint which situation it was that made me cry. In short I can’t cry when I should have.
• Detached. Totally detached from any kind of relationship. I might actually convince myself to form a bond. But the more the contact I make, the more irritated I get. Which, in turn leads to destruction.
• I can’t connect with anyone at all. I can pretend to but I will always know that it is all an act.
• I love reading, watching or listening to disturbing things that could actually make someone sick.
• I get intense urge to kill males. Or hurt them. Which I obviously try to consciously avoid and come out looking nervous around boys.
• My greatest wish is for the human race to go extinct.

Hello There!

Before we dive into this chaotic pool of chemicals (aka my mind) let me write a little about the why’s and what’s of this… Blog?

Okay. Cool. So here goes ~

• Why start a blog

  To be very honest, I don’t really know. I mean this page doesn’t really serve a useful purpose for any kind of audience (unless they’re a psychoanalyst). This blog is like a personal diary for me. You see, it’s not easy maintaining a diary when you have snoopy parents. I have a lot to say and I’m totally sick when it comes to talking. I just suck at talking. Moreover there are certain things that I want to talk about with unbiased people. People who don’t really know me. I don’t know if anyone’s even going to read this. But hey! I just might find someone who thinks like me! I might find someone who has answers to some of my questions!

• What is this about

  It’s about my confessions. And certain situations I come across that I am confused about. These things are not very pleasant. Hence, I’d like to avoid talking about them with the people close to me. Not only will I scare them but also cause them unnecessary pain. I usually type these questions on Google and Google suggests me Reddit and Reddit has almost entirely convinced me that I am a psychopath. Oh, and for the record, yes, I am mentally unstable. I have been diagnosed with Borderline and Avoidant personality disorders. I am currently under certain medications. Right, so I’ll be ranting about thoughts and behaviors of mine that I cannot quite normalize. That’s all.

Thanks for reading! 🙂